We interrupt the regularly scheduled programming...

See you tomorrow, friends.

Anticipation, and the dance.

(For the beginning of my series on rhythm, please look here, then here)

(helping me with the laundry)

"What gift do you think a good servant has that separates them from the others? It's the gift of anticipation. And I'm a good servant. I'm better than good. I'm the best. I'm the perfect servant. I know when they'll be hungry and the food is ready. I know when they'll be tired and the bed is turned down. I know it before they know it themselves."

Helen Mirren in Gosford Park

(dishes to be put away)

I admit it, I've been kind of dreading this post. I've been trying to wrap my mind around how to explain rhythm, our rhythm, to you, in a way that would make sense. In a way that would be helpful. Then last night I was watching Gosford Park and Helen Mirren said that line and it clicked.

Creating meaningful rhythm for your children is about anticipation. Anticipation of their needs, both momentary and overarching. That anticipation is what keeps a rhythm from becoming routine, and what keeps it working for all of you. Rhythm is a very delicate dance that requires constantly tuning in to the needs of your family. 

(someone else doing laundry)

The thing is, those needs are always changing. Just as your children are always changing, growing, learning, your family is constantly in an act of re-creation. Your family is alive with its own rhythm, breathing in and out, becoming something else. Anticipation is the dance of being one step ahead at the same time as you look two steps behind. It's both taking everything into account, and moving forward from where you are.

But wait, you're thinking. How is that rhythmical? How does that work? Isn't that just more chaos? Well, no. The important deciding factor for me is, am I doing what's really important at the times at which they are really important? Am I creating an overall sense of warmth? Of reverence? Is there enough repetition? Enough opportunities for imitation? Is what I'm doing nourishing my family?

(silks waiting for someone to play)

Now here is the part I've been dreading, a little. Would you like to see our rhythm? Here is what our day looks like- and I'm going to go much further into the "essentials" in later posts, so don't worry that I've glossed over them here:

• Wake. Daddy gets up with the big girls, and they play while I stay in bed with baby Bee until she wakes up (she usually sleeps in a half hour or so past the big girls). But I might get up and let her sleep if I can tell I'm needed, or if Bee is sleeping longer than usual, or...
• Breakfast. I always cook something warm. Unless of course someone just threw up or something. You know how it goes.
• Housework time. Unless my mom drops by. Or maybe the sun comes out for the first time in weeks. You know.
• Outside play. Unless it's hailing. Or perhaps we'd rather do some dancing. Or, you know.
• Lunch. I always cook something warm. Unless it's the middle of summer and it's too hot. Or maybe we're all sick. Or, well...

Do you see why it's hard for me to write this for you? I can't even get through one portion of our day without there being some sort of exception to the rule. 

(blankets waiting to warm)

I have a feeling that it's this way for many of you. That you try and try to have a rhythm of sorts, and you write it out and color code it and everything but then the very next day after you write it down you can't Stick To It, as much as you'd Really Like To, because there is always an extenuating circumstance.

Now. I am all for having a strong rhythm, especially for young children, and even more especially for young children who have really had NO regular rhythm at all. Things like regular mealtimes and bedtimes are absolute standards in our home, not to be broken unless the occasion is extremely out of the ordinary. I believe very much that those things are biologically imperative. However. Life is more complex than that. You are more complex than that. Your family, with all of its changing, shifting beauty, is more complex than that, and aren't you glad that's true?

(dressing up)

Where would be the joy, the grace, the miracles, in the routine? Dancing the dance of anticipation, making rhythmic patterns across the floor with light feet is an supreme act of creating. You are creating every moment of every day. For those of you who don't know how to knit, here is your weaving. For those of you who wonder how you could possibly fit in time to be creative, here is your creative work.

(ready to set sail)

I want to talk about those "essentials" I keep referring to. (By the way, I think they are: mealtimes, bedtime, outside time, movement, imaginative play, and caring for your home.) I'll even be talking about what I really mean when I keep saying: warmth, reverence, imitation, repetition.

(washing up)

But I wanted to start here. With the knowledge that we are building rhythm on an ever-shifting plane of sand.

(the big girls' bed)

I wanted you to know that rhythm is still something you can find solace in, even so.

(rest)

The winner! And some thoughts.

The moment we've all been waiting for! The randomly chosen winner of this (really, you should try and get your hands on a copy even if you are not the winner) book is:

Esther!

Esther, I really hope you enjoy this book! Email me (you'll find my email address to the right there) with your mailing address, will you?

Now for another little dose of realism:

Bee is just suddenly popping out two more teeth (for those of you keeping a tally, that's SIX now- it all happens so fast!) and while she honestly is a champ about the teeth, this afternoon was a hard one for her. She was up in arms-- mine-- all afternoon and I let our afternoon pause/rest slip, and by 3 pm all three little ones were in tears. Oh, my poor babes! It was a sad afternoon. Luckily I had a window just after lunch to pop a pot of chili on the stove for supper. Then it was hailing like mad outside and Bee was too sad even to allow something like, oh, me sitting down for five minutes to glance through a board book with the big girls. Things just declined from there.

It really got me thinking about how holistic having a happy family is. The sadness that my big girls had, their inability to engage in anything, their tendency to break into tears at the slightest problem or frustration- it wasn't a disciplinary issue. It was a much bigger issue, with so many more facets. Their rhythm had been disrupted, they were overtired, they had been hearing poor Bee cry without any of us being able to help her (though all of us tried), they had been given a sweet treat for breakfast instead of something nourishing (ahem, mama's banana bread craving)... I could probably go on. We had a wonderful morning, but it broke down at the end of the day. They've been asleep since 6:30, supported by our regular bedtime rhythm, and tomorrow will be another day.

What I want to really emphasize here is that I feel that my job as a mama is taking the big picture view.

What happened this afternoon could easily have been viewed as isolated incidents, and treated with "discipline," or reacted to with anger, but it wouldn't have solved anything (long or short term). Taking the big picture view means acting and reacting with grace, even if it's hard. It means taking a breath and assessing the real situation. It means putting yourself in their teeny shoes. It means waking up tomorrow without continuing to carry any of yesterday, with a smile and joy and a belief that your joy and intention will carry your family to a wonderful day.

Oh, my.

Ask, and you shall receive!

I've been going through your questions that you left as comments on this post in preparation for doing the drawing for this book tomorrow, and WOW! You are just so amazing. I laughed, I was touched- I really wanted to just plop down with you all on the couch in front of the fire here and have a nice long chat. You have given me enough to talk about for far more than just through the end of the month! I love it! I can't wait to answer all of those questions (especially the one about why we don't have any pets- there really is an answer to that one!).

I'm having such a great time with you all-- I feel like opening up to you the way I've done recently has given me so much, and helped me to connect with you in a very real way. Ask, and you shall receive in abundance.

Sometimes just naming it, just putting it out there, is enough. Sometimes all it takes is knowing that you're not the only one. 

So! Tomorrow will be the big drawing, and then on Wednesday I'll be back to keep talking about rhythm, which may also answer some of the questions you've asked. I'll probably sprinkle in some unrelated pictures, because I'm starting to miss seeing all those photos (although I'm still taking them). When I begin answering your questions in earnest, I may even be able to coax my husband into a little guest posting! We've been talking about that possibility, so stay tuned!

I have honestly loved reading through your comments and questions- each one was like a little gift of insight into one of you, and made me reflect about my own life in a different way. Thank you, again, for being here. Thank you!

Quotable Sunday.

A routine is an activity or a sequence of activities that takes place at the same time and in the same order daily or weekly. A ritual may be done routinely or not, but it is made a ritual by the attention and intention the participants give to it. For example, a blessing before eating may be a ritual is the family feels gratitude or reverence during the blessing, but if the blessing is said without thought or attention, it is more of a routine than a ritual.

Susan Usha Dermond, Calm and Compassionate Children: A Handbook

Observe and reflect.

For the first post in my rhythm series, please look here.

In my mind, there is nothing more important or elemental in my daily rhythm than observation and reflection. Observation, of course, happens all day long, from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep at night! To me, the observation- of myself, my children, our day, our interactions- is the beginning of the intention in intentional rhythm.

For me the reflection happens at night, between the time the girls go to bed and I do. I find that handwork helps me to think, so I use this time to knit, embroider, do dishes, sweep, oil my cutting board countertops, something repetitive with my hands. Here are the things I consider at the end of the day:

• What went right today? What went smoothly? 
• What transitions worked the best today?
• When were my children the most engaged?
• What did I do best today?
• Did I model behavior that I want to see in my children? Did I give them valuable things to imitate?
• Did I have realistic expectations of my children's behavior today?
• How did balance work in our lives today? Was it too much of one thing? Not enough of another?
• What went wrong today? How could it have been averted before it happened?
• What will I change for tomorrow? Is there a bigger change that needs to happen?

I also take this time to envision each of my children in their best moment of the day. Even on days when it feels like everything's gone wrong, there is always at least one shining moment, and that moment is the one I want to take with me into sleep. I try to bring my awareness back to the fact that being home with my three beautiful girls is the life I always dreamed of, and there is always a way to make it better.

I find that no rhythm can be established without taking this time to observe, reflect, and adapt as our days go by. This part of my day brings intention to everything we do! This is truly the first step to establishing a rhythm that works for you and for your family.

Don't forget, I'm still taking questions from you if you'd like a chance to win this book! Entries will close Monday evening, and I'll announce a winner on Tuesday, November 17.

Mini-break

Oh, friends. We were all sick, and then we were all well, and now we are all (me too!) sick again. I will be back with content tomorrow! Stay well!

xo, K

Let's start at the very beginning...

Before I talk to you about what our rhythm looks like (right now; it's nearly always in flux, and that's good too!), I wanted to share with you a little bit about how I set about finding it in the first place. It can be overwhelming- where to begin? What to include? Do I need a schedule?

I think the first thing to remember is that whatever you are doing right now, you already have a rhythm of some sort. If you go to church every week, you have a rhythm. If you have lunch every day, you have a rhythm. If you always stop by Starbucks on the way home from Target- you have a rhythm! Every one of our families has a natural rhythm, even if it feels like chaos. Some of you may have a homeschool co-op meeting once a month, or a twice weekly swim class. That is all part of your rhythm as a family.

Even a variable schedule has a rhythm. Maybe your partner sometimes works the swing shift and sometimes doesn't and that varies, but every time the swing shift happens, you have a crockpot supper. That's a rhythm too, and one to work with, not one to balk at and wonder how on earth you are going to "do rhythm" when you have all these variables! You can!

What I'm talking about here is creating an intentional rhythm, one that supports your family (and you!) so that all of you can have your needs met and you can put your energy into things that matter to you. You may feel that spontaneity is your middle name and routine is a killjoy, but in addition to being a huge gift of security to your children, intentional rhythm can be very freeing to you as a parent as well. Our lives are so full of decisions- about what to do and when, what to eat, where to eat it, what to buy, what not to buy- the list goes on and on. It can be paralyzing (and even more so for children). What a truly wonderful thing to be able to have some of those choices limited for you! An intentional rhythm enables you to make better decisions, ones that are more aligned with your values, and it enables you to make them with greater confidence. I'm talking about a way to create a home life that is happy and healthy for every member of your family.

A disclaimer: I'm speaking directly out of my experience as a mama of three little ones aged four and under. Those of you with older children (or no children) may have needs that are different than the ones I talk about below.

When I think about establishing (or re-establishing) a good rhythm, I think first about the key components of mothering young children: warmth, reverence, repetition, imitation. I think about protecting their senses and creating an atmosphere that supports their health. Most of the time, that means supporting my own health and well-being and doing a lot of mental and spiritual planning of my own. These concepts are my guide. Now, if you have older children or none at all, I would still argue that warmth, reverence, and repetition make for a pretty good lens with which to view rhythm, but maybe in a different way.

Then I think about what needs to get accomplished in a day. Eating. Sleeping. Movement. Taking care of our home. Reflection. The most basic, elemental aspects of our everyday lives. This is what rhythm is made of, not an artificial set of standards or a set pattern of songs and crafts to be slotted in as if you run a preschool. You are running a home! Even if you work, you still run your home. I think of rhythm as a way to weave a beautiful life, in the same way that I think of housewifery to be the partner to husbandry. We are the stewards of our lives and the lives of our children.

Another thing to keep in mind as I talk about specific things you can do to add intentional rhythm to your everyday activities- I am talking about very, very simple things you can do. Remember that it's easy to add more as your children age and change- but if you start with a whole complicated three-song handclap sit down stand up production for each and every time you transition to going outside, for example, you will quickly tire of it, or forget exactly how you did it. Your children will NOT forget, and conflict can quickly ensue.

It's okay for rhythm to be very simple! The idea is to nourish yourself and your child with some predictability, not have some sort of "right" way that things have to be done. You want to create a sort of cocoon that enfolds your child in the warm feeling that everything is right with their world, that you know best and can "carry" them energetically through their days so that they can do what is most important for them to do- grow and learn and develop at their own pace. You want to create an atmosphere that invites happy, willing compliance so that you can all have peaceful days. That's what rhythm can do for you.

Also, if you start out very simply, you give yourself the chance to feel successful and at ease with the transition into having an intentional rhythm, if you are just starting out. Give yourself time and a little leeway! Though I definitely recommend starting out strong, that doesn't mean making it complicated for yourself.

Next in this post I had planned to address several aspects of the rhythmic day, but I've changed my mind. I want to invite conversation and not move too quickly through this. 

So stick with me- I'll be talking about rhythm here for a while until we're all talked out, and then move on to your questions. 

Don't forget, I'm still taking questions from you if you'd like a chance to win this book! Entries will close Monday evening, and I'll announce a winner on Tuesday, November 17.